"Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's makeup artist. But he's not allowed to look at Mr. Bauer in the eye, lest he wet his pants. Again."
"I thought Jack Bauer killed Chuck Norris by making his wee, girly heart explode by looking in his general direction?"
"Chuck Norris is a whiny little girl who once stayed in his dark room for a week because his shadow startled him when he turned his light on in the morning."
"I know another Chuck that would spend the entire swim cutoff crying on the beach because the water was too wet. Just like his pants."
"Chuck Norris' pick up line is "look, I didn't piss my self today. Uh...nevermind."
"Chuck Norris merely saw its shadow once and simultaneously vomited and wet his pants."
"Chuck Norris thinks 'cinco de mayo' is how hispanics order five servings of mayonnaise."
"Chuck Norris:Crying like a little girl::Jack Bauer: Killing terrorists"
"Jack Bauer challenged the President to a 'who has the most testicles' contest. Jack Bauer won by 5, and then pulled the Presidents 2 testicles off, slowly and with malice, and fed them to him. Chuck Norris, of course, has fewer testicles than Lance Armstrong."
"Chuck Norris has Herpes. He gets outbreaks on his wang and around his eyes, because when he churns his butter, he has to continuously wipe the tears from his eyes so he can see what he's doing."
"Chuck Norris Triathlon:
Cry for 30 minutes.
Get dope slapped by Girl Scouts.
Cry some more."
"What '5000' means to Chuck Norris:
Times he's lost a fight.
Nights he's cried himself to sleep on his pillow.
Bruises he gets just thinking about Jack Bauer.
Anti-defamation lawsuits he's filed against me (Chuck Norris can't fight, so he prefers to litigate).
Times he's crossed the street to avoid confrontations with "scary homeless people."
Letters he's received from the Wold Martial Arts Council pleading with him to take up arm wrestling, because they're tired of him giving them a bad name.
Doses of Prozac he's taken just to get through the day.
Doping tests he's failed due to elevated estrogen levels.
Employment tests he's failed to become a mall security guard.
Auditions he's been to for "Cabaret." (Chuck Norris dances surprisingly well, but unfortunately sings about 4 octaves too high for any of the male roles).
Slaps he's received from little school girls.
Times he's vomited at the thought of going outside alone."
"Little known fact: Chuck Norris was the one thing McGyver could do absolutely nothing with, because crying little girls are absolutely useless when you need to get yourself out of a jam."
"Jack Bauer killed 4 crying little girls today before breakfast. All of them were Chuck Norris."
"Everyone knows fluvial geomorphology kicks glacial geomorphology's ass. Chuck Norris doesn't know that glacial geomorphology is restricted by geography, whereas erosion from water can happen anywhere!"
"Chuck Norris has two cats, Fluffy and Mr. Puddin' Paws, or Puddin' for short. Puddin' got his name because whenever Chuck Norris makes pudding (and he makes it a lot--Chuck loves his pudding!), Puddin' sticks his feet in the bowl trying to lick the leftovers. Then, he runs all over Chuck Norris' house leaving little chocolaty kitty prints all over the place. Mr. Puddin' Paws is a little scamp. Fluffy routinely kicks Chuck Norris' ass."
"I told this joke to Chuck Norris once:
Chuck Norris walks in to a bar and orders a Zima. The bartender asks him for ID, but Chuck Norris says "I don't need ID, I'm Chuck Norris." The bartender says "I'm sorry, Mr. Norris, but I thought you were a crying little girl because of your red eyes and the tear stains on your collar." Chuck Norris says in reply "That's OK...it happens all the time." The bartender apologizes again and offers to buy him a whisky. Chuck Norris then says "thanks, but could I get it with some diet Sprite and a straw. And of do you have any of those little umbrellas?" The bartender, horrified, bitch-slaps Chuck Norris, who cries some more and sulks out of the bar.
Chuck Norris didn't get it."
"Chuck Norris thinks 'bird flu' is a new martial art, and that it involves ninja feather tickling."
"Chuck Norris doesn't trust chickens. He thinks it's their souless black eyes. Chuck Norris would rather starve than face down a chicken and then have to spend another year in therapy to get him back to his happy place (Chuck Norris' happy place is Bed, Bath and Beyond. So many useful gadgets)."
"Chuck Norris believes in intelligent design."
"Chuck Norris tried referring to himself in the third person, but he ultimately found it confusing and went back to calling himself Jenny. Chuck Norris looks prettiest in floral print sundresses. They hide his belly."
"Chuck Norris gets confused by complete sentences. They give him a headache, and make him want to kick things. But then Chuck Norris remembers what his mother told him: 'sugar and spice make everything nice, and if you misbehave I'm going to lock you in the closet for your birthday again.' And threats make him stutter."
"Luckily, Vin Deisel's little skirt is still plenty big enough for Chuck Norris to hide behind."
"In college, Chuck Norris tried out for girl's field hockey, but had to quit because he annoyed his teammates every time he shouted "owie" after getting hit in the shin by the ball."
"Chuck Norris likes Def Leppard, too. He also likes strawberry ice cream, sharing his feelings and crocheting intricate doilies."
"Sticks and stones don't break Chuck Norris' bones, but words make him curl up in the fetal position and shiver."
"When he's naked, Chuck Norris looks like an 11-year-old girl. With a full beard."
"If I see Chuck Norris pushing a stroller or riding his tricylce, I'll be sure and wave. You know, slowly, so he'll understand me."
"Chuck Norris only scares tiny babies, and that's only because he tries to steal their bottles, because Chuck Norris has only recently been weened from the teet."
"Chuck Norris gigggles like a schoolgirl when he hears the word "teet." When he listens to "Hash Pipe" by Weezer, he wets his pink panties every time."
"Chuck Norris drinks virgin Cosmopolitans. But only a couple, because they make him tipsy."
2 comments:
wow, your really gay n sad, cant believe you would bother to write this, you really must have a boring life. . .
omg..
You r a sadly gay that don´t have a life and don´t have better things to do.
BTW, all these listed facts that u had put here, are fakes(all of them are fake).
Before putting lies, study more about Chuck Norris.
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