Shut your trap

Over on my triathlon forum, there was a thread started by a guy who had a disagreement with his swim coach. Coach told him to do thing "A", guy wanted to do thing "B." Coach told him to shut his trap and do thing "A." Oh, and by the way, the coach is my wife the guy said. Not surprisingly, the consensus from the group was "shut your trap and do what your coach/wife tells you."

So that brings me to today's hilarity. I'm in the unique position of having an editor who's also my wife. OK, maybe it's not unique, because I'm sure somewhere in the universe there exists someone in a similar position. But at least it's an interesting situation. So anyway, I submit my column this morning with the following request:

"Not to question your editorial prowess, but can we keep the bolded headers? So much easier on the readers…"

To me, it makes sense. I write a column that often features short, unrelated snippets. Without bolding the first few words of each paragraph, the unassuming reader thinks (naturally) that it's all related. But then they see this rapid shift of topic and they think they're either missing something or I'm an idiot. Regardless, it trips them up, and tripping up you're readers is never a good thing. Like elementary school students and Michael Bay film fans, once you've lost their attention, there's no getting it back.

This is the e-mail I got in response:

"Writers do not get to make demands of the editors. Have I not made this clear?"

Damn! I sure got the smack-down. Of course, she meant it as a joke (what better than a snarky wife?), but she's right. We've had this discussion many times before. And I get it: Writers write, editors edit. Now, were I to have a different relationship with her (namely, if she were not the woman I often have sex with), that would totally be the end of it. Oh sure, we might have some respectful, possibly even scholarly conversation about the merits of my point of view, versus the pointlessness of hers. Like "if we did that for you, we'd have to do it for everybody" or "it's a style thing for which we have no flexibility" (cause style is so much more important than substance).

But, being that my relationship is so much more, well, familiar, I can be more to the point. As I was with this follow-up email:

"Did you not see the punctuation? That was a question. For reference, this is a demand: Shut it!

Clear?"

If I weren't her husband, that kind of backsass would get me canned in about three seconds. But since I have a different relationship, I can send her crap like that with no fear of retribution.

Until I get home, of course.

LotB #27

It’s no secret that the Augusta Chronicle has a conservative bent, and that’s of course readily apparent on the editorial pages. You can find evidence elsewhere in the paper, but you usually have to dig. That wasn’t the case, though, on the Dec. 30 front page, amidst the “Faces of 2007” collage. Amongst the 38 photos represented, the republican and democratic presidential candidates were all there, but the placement was questionable. I’m sure it was just a coincidence that the republicans were at the top left, right under the banner, while the democrats were relegated to the very bottom right, below the fold. On a positive note, they actually did represent Ron Paul.

Along those lines, there’s a lot of buzz about how the media is not only ignoring Paul, but that they are actively suppressing information about him. Charges have been levied both against Fox News and ABC, for example, for ignoring polls in which he has done well, and he’s being left out of debates left and right. All of this despite his evident popularity and the fundraising records he’ setting. A quick check of the Chronicle archives shows that Paul has been mentioned in stories in the paper exactly twice in the last month: once in the above-mentioned “Faces of 2007” and once noting that he actually won a straw poll in Aiken county. And where was that presented in the paper? Way down at the bottom of the “Across the Area” section. By comparison, Rudy Giuliani (who Paul beat handily in the Iowa caucus), showed up in five stories. Time will tell, of course, whether all this will hurt, or possibly actually help Paul. He was strong in Iowa, and it seems like the more he’s ignored by the press, the more it emboldens the Paulistas.

Bizzarely, the Chronicle webforums were taken down for a good two days after what seemed to be a robot porn attack. You’d think I’d talk here about how that break may have actually given Barry Paschal some time to devote to his actual job, but no. Because there may be something more insidious afoot. Now, I’m not normally much of a conspiracy theorist, but pornbots attacking webforums, coupled with a Houston Chronicle story about the future of sex and relationships with robots makes you think about the inevitable. Soon, robots will make us their bitches. Stage one: distract the humans with robot sex. Next: rule the world! The only question is whether it will be a benevolent or oppressive robocracy to which we will succumb.

So the R. Kelly show scheduled for at the James Brown Arena last week actually went off as planned, without one of the late cancellations that has been plaguing the venue of late. That’s good news, since it shows that the coliseum authority actually has the ability to pull off headliner shows. I haven’t heard, though, whether or not any underage girls on sitting in the front row needed rain coats.

Note to everyone: Jason Barron is not to be referred to by the name “Jason Barron”, without Jason Barron’s permission. Jason Barron must only be referred to as ”Suzuki Man.” Alternatively, you may refer to Jason Barron as “The Jason.” Never, ever call Jason Barron “Jason Barron”, unless you want to incur the wrath of Jason Barron.

Jason Barron.

Creepy

You know how when you walk by restrooms, especially in public places, and if the door happens to open as you're walking by, you can't help but glance that way? It comes off as creepy, cause, well, you're peering into a pretty private place. But it's human nature. And I'm not even talking about natural curiosity. It's just that, as animals, we're in tune with movement around us. So while walking down a hall, eyes ahead, we're drawn naturally to, say, a door opening next to us. It's not that we want to be creeps, but rather that if it's a tiger coming out of that door, we want to maintain a bit of self-preservation.

If you do it right, you instinctively turn your head and then, realizing people generally don't like to be gazed upon while exiting restrooms (I *know* what you were doing in there!), you look the hell away and continue your journey.

So, all that being said, here's what you don't do: you don't freaking speak to that person. I guess you could make the argument that if you're intimately familiar with them you could get away with it. Or maybe, if it's your kid coming out. But if the level of acquaintance is wife's coworker or less, you just keep on movin'.

Consider the stage set.

Monday, I was at the Spirit office, coming out of the restroom after cleaning up a bit after my downtown run. I drop Nola off at the office on those days, because it's deadline day for Amy, which means working late for her. And generally, dropping the girl off at mom's work is better than leaving your seven-year-old to fend for herself at home. Plus, she gets to run around like a crazy person (OK...she does that at home, but it's *so* much better to do it at mom's work). So, I think I'm pretty much alone in the back of the office, behind the big double-doors that separate that area from the action part of the building. And I also know that Nola A) like to play back there and B) love public restrooms more than do homeless people.

So when I walk down the hall from the men's room and the door from the women's room opens, I assume it's Nola. And since it's Nola, I know I can offer he a big, goofy "hello" without the fear of repercussions.

Door opens.

Turns head and says (inappropriately loudly) "heyyyyy....Stacey...."

And you know, no matter how innocent something is, if it comes off as creepy no amount of explanation ("...so you could see how I thought it was Nola...") really gets you off the hook.

Overheard at work

"He had gotten a quote on a 600-pound ball valve..."

Hopefully to have it excised. Maybe I'm a freak, but I prefer much smaller ball valves. Once you get past a couple of pounds, they just become unwieldy. Not to mention the chaffing issue.