I'm going to change the world

Over in my triathlon website, an Ann Coulter discussion eventually devolved into a discussion of spanking, spurred on by a mention of the despicable Rev. James Dobson (lord how i despise that man). I'm no fan of spanking. I think that inflicting pain upon a defenseless child just so you can lord over them is lazy parenting at best, and out-and-out abusive at worst.

But in the discussion, a poster said the following:

"Listen, I make my v(olleyball) ball players who I coach do push ups as a penalty. They HATE it. It is painful for them. But they learn quickly to avoid those mistakes which are punishable by push ups."

And it got me thinking. What if parents, instead of spanking or even time-outing, used push-ups as punishment instead? How would the world be different? If your views of spanking are similar to mine, there'd arguably be a whole lot more happy, well-adjusted kids running around. But even if spanking really isn't harmful per se, you could easily make the argument that it does kids no inherent good.

So, what if, every time Nola did something she wasn't supposed to, she was made to do something that was actually good for her? Look around--kids today are fat and lazy. If you spank them, they more than likely can barely feel it because the blows are cushioned by their fat asses. And time out? Please. They're already doing nothing but sit on the couch playing Xbox. You really think more nothing is going to teach them anything?

But push ups. Push ups suck. They hurt like crazy, they make you strain, breathe hard and sweat. Nobody likes to do them. And...they're actually good for you! They strengthen your core, work a whole host of muscles including your chest, biceps and triceps, lats and traps.

Johnny hits his sister? 50 push ups! Susie's late getting home from school? 10! Didn't finish your homework? Give me 20, young man! If your kids are really bad, think of what great shape they'll be in, at least. And seriously, I think that after a few hundred push ups, the kid is going to think twice about taking that $20 out of mom's wallet.

Of course, as with anything, there could be a downside. There's the risk in using exercise as punishment that kids could form an aversion to it (after all, isn't that what I'm talking about?). But that's why I like the idea of push ups. If you instead had Sheniqua run a mile, she would probably associate running with bad. And I don't like that. Running should be something kids love to do. But push ups on the other hand are *supposed* to be despised, and it's OK if they are. After all, no one gets a college scholarship for calisthenics.

So who's with me? Who wants to change the world, 20 push ups at a time?

Normally, 3 lycra-clad women in the morning wouldn't tick me off...

It's girls like this that give guys like me a bad name. Look closely at the picture...what do you see? I see three women riding abreast (heh) on a narrow, single-lane road. They were travelling pretty slowly, 15mph tops in a 35 zone (I think) down Broad St. In Augusta, at about 8am, and there were a good 10 cars backed up behind them. I'm all for cyclists' rights, of course, being one myself. But sheesh, in order to get any respect, cyclists need to follow the law and be courteous to the folks they're sharing the road with.

Section 40-6-294(b) of the Uniform Georgia Code states "Persons riding bicycles upon a roadway shall not ride more than two abreast except on paths or parts of roadways set aside for the exclusive use of bicycles."

While the ladies shown are within their rights to ride two abreast, they certainly aren't allowed three. But really, in this situation, they should be riding single-file to allow for cars to pass safely. Those people stacked up being the cyclists were probably much more pissed than I was, and the situation no doubt reinforced any negative opinions they may have already had towards cyclists. We cyclists have a duty to be ambassadors of the idea of bicycles as viable transportation, now more than ever. We need to follow the laws, and this means not blowing through lights, signalling turns, running lights at night--things I see cyclists neglecting all the time. So when I see crap like that, yeah, it ticks me off.

It's done

The transition from fixed-gear road bike to single-speed cross bike is complete. It's now got a Kinesis aluminum cross fork (so I can run wider tires), a linear-pull brake in the front and a new black-as-my-soul paint job. I'm gonna ride her at the nude tri, and kick some naked ass.

BID: no parking tickets and a sash?

A couple of provisions in the downtown Augusta Business Improvement District (BID) management plan, which will now be going before a commission vote, are for "Downtown Ambassadors Foot and Bicycle Patrol." And since these are included in the proposed budget, you'd assume that these would be paid positions. What a sweet gig!

Think about it...your job would be to walk (or ride a bike) around downtown, greeting folks, waving and generally looking, well, ambassadorial. A treaty needs to be discussed between the Ren Pub and Stillwater? You'd be the one to call. You know you'd get free drinks and, assuming you were single, lots of action. I mean, who doesn't want to get with an ambassador? Think how that would look on your resume.

I don't know why, but I'm imagining a handlebar moustache, top hat and a sash. A long black top coat, maybe striped jodhpurs.

And diplomatic immunity. Where do I sign up?

Chuck Norris facts

Over on my triathlon website, about every couple of months or so, someone will invariably post "Chuck Norris Facts." I know you've seen them. There are entire websites devoted to them. There are t-shirts and coffee mugs out there with clever things like "Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter" or "Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice."

God how I hate them. So whenever that jackass posts that thread, I rebut. And thus, here are the real Chuck Norris facts (unabridged):

"The only statistic Chuck Norris cares about is that with a 99.9% confidence interval, there is a 100% probability that Chuck Norris is a crying little girl who, when 24 comes on, has to hide in his closet with his favorite Teletubby plushie repeating "everything will be alright" over and over until the show is over, when he then has to change his underpants."

"Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's makeup artist. But he's not allowed to look at Mr. Bauer in the eye, lest he wet his pants. Again."

"I thought Jack Bauer killed Chuck Norris by making his wee, girly heart explode by looking in his general direction?"

"Chuck Norris is a whiny little girl who once stayed in his dark room for a week because his shadow startled him when he turned his light on in the morning."

"I know another Chuck that would spend the entire swim cutoff crying on the beach because the water was too wet. Just like his pants."

"Chuck Norris' pick up line is "look, I didn't piss my self today. Uh...nevermind."

"Chuck Norris merely saw its shadow once and simultaneously vomited and wet his pants."

"Chuck Norris thinks 'cinco de mayo' is how hispanics order five servings of mayonnaise."

"Chuck Norris:Crying like a little girl::Jack Bauer: Killing terrorists"

"Jack Bauer challenged the President to a 'who has the most testicles' contest. Jack Bauer won by 5, and then pulled the Presidents 2 testicles off, slowly and with malice, and fed them to him. Chuck Norris, of course, has fewer testicles than Lance Armstrong."

"Chuck Norris has Herpes. He gets outbreaks on his wang and around his eyes, because when he churns his butter, he has to continuously wipe the tears from his eyes so he can see what he's doing."

"Chuck Norris Triathlon:
Cry for 30 minutes.
Get dope slapped by Girl Scouts.
Cry some more."

"What '5000' means to Chuck Norris:
Times he's lost a fight.
Nights he's cried himself to sleep on his pillow.
Bruises he gets just thinking about Jack Bauer.
Anti-defamation lawsuits he's filed against me (Chuck Norris can't fight, so he prefers to litigate).
Times he's crossed the street to avoid confrontations with "scary homeless people."
Letters he's received from the Wold Martial Arts Council pleading with him to take up arm wrestling, because they're tired of him giving them a bad name.
Doses of Prozac he's taken just to get through the day.
Doping tests he's failed due to elevated estrogen levels.
Employment tests he's failed to become a mall security guard.
Auditions he's been to for "Cabaret." (Chuck Norris dances surprisingly well, but unfortunately sings about 4 octaves too high for any of the male roles).
Slaps he's received from little school girls.
Times he's vomited at the thought of going outside alone."

"Little known fact: Chuck Norris was the one thing McGyver could do absolutely nothing with, because crying little girls are absolutely useless when you need to get yourself out of a jam."

"Jack Bauer killed 4 crying little girls today before breakfast. All of them were Chuck Norris."

"Everyone knows fluvial geomorphology kicks glacial geomorphology's ass. Chuck Norris doesn't know that glacial geomorphology is restricted by geography, whereas erosion from water can happen anywhere!"

"Chuck Norris has two cats, Fluffy and Mr. Puddin' Paws, or Puddin' for short. Puddin' got his name because whenever Chuck Norris makes pudding (and he makes it a lot--Chuck loves his pudding!), Puddin' sticks his feet in the bowl trying to lick the leftovers. Then, he runs all over Chuck Norris' house leaving little chocolaty kitty prints all over the place. Mr. Puddin' Paws is a little scamp. Fluffy routinely kicks Chuck Norris' ass."

"I told this joke to Chuck Norris once:
Chuck Norris walks in to a bar and orders a Zima. The bartender asks him for ID, but Chuck Norris says "I don't need ID, I'm Chuck Norris." The bartender says "I'm sorry, Mr. Norris, but I thought you were a crying little girl because of your red eyes and the tear stains on your collar." Chuck Norris says in reply "That's OK...it happens all the time." The bartender apologizes again and offers to buy him a whisky. Chuck Norris then says "thanks, but could I get it with some diet Sprite and a straw. And of do you have any of those little umbrellas?" The bartender, horrified, bitch-slaps Chuck Norris, who cries some more and sulks out of the bar.
Chuck Norris didn't get it."

"Chuck Norris thinks 'bird flu' is a new martial art, and that it involves ninja feather tickling."

"Chuck Norris doesn't trust chickens. He thinks it's their souless black eyes. Chuck Norris would rather starve than face down a chicken and then have to spend another year in therapy to get him back to his happy place (Chuck Norris' happy place is Bed, Bath and Beyond. So many useful gadgets)."

"Chuck Norris believes in intelligent design."

"Chuck Norris tried referring to himself in the third person, but he ultimately found it confusing and went back to calling himself Jenny. Chuck Norris looks prettiest in floral print sundresses. They hide his belly."

"Chuck Norris gets confused by complete sentences. They give him a headache, and make him want to kick things. But then Chuck Norris remembers what his mother told him: 'sugar and spice make everything nice, and if you misbehave I'm going to lock you in the closet for your birthday again.' And threats make him stutter."

"Luckily, Vin Deisel's little skirt is still plenty big enough for Chuck Norris to hide behind."

"In college, Chuck Norris tried out for girl's field hockey, but had to quit because he annoyed his teammates every time he shouted "owie" after getting hit in the shin by the ball."

"Chuck Norris likes Def Leppard, too. He also likes strawberry ice cream, sharing his feelings and crocheting intricate doilies."

"Sticks and stones don't break Chuck Norris' bones, but words make him curl up in the fetal position and shiver."

"When he's naked, Chuck Norris looks like an 11-year-old girl. With a full beard."

"If I see Chuck Norris pushing a stroller or riding his tricylce, I'll be sure and wave. You know, slowly, so he'll understand me."

"Chuck Norris only scares tiny babies, and that's only because he tries to steal their bottles, because Chuck Norris has only recently been weened from the teet."

"Chuck Norris gigggles like a schoolgirl when he hears the word "teet." When he listens to "Hash Pipe" by Weezer, he wets his pink panties every time."

"Chuck Norris drinks virgin Cosmopolitans. But only a couple, because they make him tipsy."

Sex parties, dope and smack: those lucky AIDS patients have all the fun!

Overheard at the Chinese restaurant, while waiting for my take-out order:

Asian food connoisseur #1, and older Caucasian gentleman: There's so many people that are HIV positive today.
Asian food connoisseur #2, a younger African-American gentleman: Mmm hmm.
1:So many people. You know that's the precursor for AIDS?
2:Yeah.
1:So many people that have what I'll call AIDS. They're formin' these clubs. Clubs of people with AIDS.
2:Mmm hmm.
1:Isn't that terrible?
2:Yeah...that is terrible!
1:The man givin' the lecture said they're formin' these clubs. Cause you know you don't get better from it?
2:Mmm hmmm.
1:So they don't care. They're havin' these crazy sex parties. They smoke the marijuana. They shoot up.
2:Yeah! they shoot up!
1:You know the word "tout"?
2:Yeah. I know it.
1:The magazines is toutin' these clubs. Make is seem so glamorous. So you wanna get it so you can join. Cause it's so much fun.
2:That's terrible.
1:Like people get a cold and have so much fun, that other people wanna catch a cold, too. So they can have fun.
2:That's terrible.
1: Is this my glass of water or your glass of water?
2: It's your glass of water.

I got nuthin'...

OK, so I know it's been a while since I've posted. But really, I just haven't had much to say. And like I said in a previous post, I'm a firm believer that if you don't have anything to say you're much better off just shutting the fuck up. Jam bands and David Oliver Doswell II, take note.

I mean, it's not like nothing interesting has been happening, but it's only been very mildly interesting stuff at best. And stuff I only think is probably interesting to me. So why blog about it? Case in point:


For Father's Day, Nola got me a Webkinz. Don't know what a Webkinz is? Don't have kids, huh? Well, they're these Beanie Baby-like dolls, but the twist is they come with a code that you enter on their website, for which you receive a virtual representation of your animal. You play games on the site and earn "kinzcash" with which you buy crap for your animal--furniture for their house, clothes, etc. And when you get a new animal, you get a special (virtual) gift when you register it. For example, Nola's raccoon came with a trash can-shaped refrigerator, her hippo came with a pond-shaped bathtub--things that are representative of their little animal personalities. Nola got me the Cheeky Monkey (draw your own parallels). So you want to know what the "special gift" for the little simian was? Do you?

A banana hammock. Really.

So there's that. Mildly amusing, sure, but blog-worthy? You be the judge.

Here's another example:

Amy and I were lying in bed in our room at the Partridge Inn last Wednesday morning, waiting for our room-service breakfast to arrive (yes...I know..."la dee da"). So it was supposed to be delivered between 9 and 9:30, and it was getting close to 9:30, so I started wondering when it was going to be delivered:


Jim: Our food needs to come soon.

Amy: What time is it?

J: (looks at clock) mmm...9:23

A: so we still have...
(pause)
(eyes roll up in her head, glazed over)

J: 7 minutes?

A: (laughing hysterically)

J: You're mathtastic.

So again, amusing, maybe, but maybe not worth taking 15 minutes to put down on virtual paper.

Let's see...what else? Oh yeah. I had a bathroom conversation at the Soul Bar with the singer from the Modern Skirts. He said Coco's awesome. But everyone knows that. He also said Coco would do great in Athens (promoting shows, I'm guessing, but he might have meant with the ladies. I'm not sure what he was talking about, now that I think about it).


Oh...and I registered for a nude triathlon. I actually think that is blog worthy. Probably more so after the event, though.

I almost forgot

I promised Stacey my jam band rant, but it totally slipped my mind. So without further ado, here it is:

When you run out of song, just shut the fuck up, ok?

Admittedly, it's not much of a rant, being a mere sentence. But when I run out of rant, I shut the fuck up, savvy?

We can only hope...

In explaining why he is "150% behind President Bush", Dennis Milligan, the Arkansas republican party chairman said:

"At the end of the day, I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on 9/11, and the naysayers will come around very quickly to appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country."

We should have named him "Corky"

Last night's commercial-break conversation:

"Porkchop is like having a farm animal in the house."

(pause, thinking)

"A retarded farm animal."

Ok...so it wasn't so much of a conversation as me talking out loud. But Amy did laugh. I swear.

Office playlist

Here's what's emanating from my neighbor's office:

1. "Freebird"--Lynyrd Skynyrd


2. "Walk of Life"--Dire Straits


3. (Now there's a loud conference call--door open of course--about transfer valves and militant atheists. I couldn't make this shit up. On the plus side, no crappy music.)


4. (More crappy music.) Hooray.


5. "Maybe I'm Amazed"--Paul McCartney


6. "Jane"--Jefferson Starship


7. holy shit...is there an 8-track Ipod I didn't know about?


8. "You Shook Me All Night Long"--AC/DC


9. "Hard to Handle"--Black Crowes


10. "Rock&Roll Band"--Boston


11. (Checking voice mail on speaker phone.) God how I love that. Like we all need to know that your dentist appointment is at 12:45.


12. "Dancing in the Dark"--Bruce Springsteen


13. Fucker.


14. "Ain't to Proud to Beg"--Rolling Stones. I guess there are worse Stones songs. Maybe.


15. Of course. Creedence.


16. "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?"--Creedence Clearwater Revival


17. Jimmy Buffett has to be next.


18. I was wrong.


19. "Legs"--ZZ Top


20. Kill me now.

my head hurts too much to come up with a clever title

The person in the office next to me is cranking out "Freebird." Skynyrd make Jim angry. Jim smash! Seriously...what the fuck is up with that? Is there such thing as workplace musical harassment?

So many similes, so little time

It appears that Augusta State University is taking the novel approach of adding a game room to its Reese library. You know, like with pool tables and video games. Maybe one of those crane-thingies where you drop in a dollar and try to liberate Sponge Bob from his fluffy mass-grave with a grappling hook. This is a really bad. Libraries, and especially college libraries are scholarly places, for activities like research, reading and studying. And picking up chicks. OK, so that's not so scholarly, but give me a minute and I could probably convince you it is. Something like anything in the guise of research.

But I digress. Sarah Miller wrote recently in the LA Times about how the austerity is gone from libraries, and I tend to agree. She said "These days, libraries sound a lot less like libraries and a lot more like the line for the funnel cake booth at a county fair." And she's right. Just try concentrating for 5 minutes straight at any library today. I dare ya.

Libraries aren't what they used to be. They're less about research and more about socializing, and that's too bad. Well, except for the picking-up-chicks thing, but hey, I'm willing to bend a little. This new recreational center model that ASU is proposing just furthers it. I mean, a game room in a library is like a bacteria-ridden plot of dirt in an operating room. "You know what this surgical suite needs? A mud pit!" It's like a Big Mac stand at a playground, or Sasquatch on the beach.

It's like Stephen King books in a library.