If you only knew

From the "whine line" in Metro Spirit last week:

"Jim Christian is one hell of a media critic, except when it comes to commenting on the Metro Spirit. I guess he doesn’t want to bite the hand that feeds him… literally."

Which is funny for a couple of reasons, first since I've commented on the Spirit in three previous colums. But also because I actually get paid in food...literally.

You're welcome

I got a virtual shout-out from a swimming blog run by a couple of Olympians. My giving has no bounds.

I'm dizzy, pt. 3: BPPV

Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. Basically, I get dizzy in certain positions, and when I do my eyes go crazy.

I saw an otologist today, and he at least knows what I have, and probably why I have it. Probably. He induced the dizziness by having my lie back rapidly and turn my head. When I got dizzy, he looked at my eyes and they were jumping around. He did it turning my head to the right, and the room swam. To the left, it was fine. It's a classic sign: the test is called "Dix-Hallpike", and it's positive when you exhibit paroxysm in your eyes. If you're positive, you have BPPV. so I have it.

Next is what causes it, and there are three choices: 1) calcium oxylate crystals floating around in your inner ear; 2) acoustic neuroma; or 3) brain tumor. He did a bunch of auditory tests and said my hearing is just fine, so that rules out #2. So most likely it's the crystals, but it's possible something's going on in my brain. He gave me some exercises to do where basically you induce the dizziness over and over until your brain starts trusting your eyes instead of your inner ear. And if that doesn't work in a couple of weeks, they start looking in my head.

He seemed pretty confident that it's the calcium oxylate crystals--if I was Dix-Hallpike positive on both sides, a tumor would be more likely. But if it's not better in a couple of weeks, he's going to do an MRI. So for the next two weeks I get to make myself dizzy as much as possible and hope things get better. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm dizzy, pt. 2

So here I am, 9 days since my first symptoms and there's no change. I saw my doctor on Monday, but predictably she diagnosed it as "sinus trouble". I swear, you could limp into her office with a broken ankle and two things would happen: she'd give you a tympanogram and tell you to get some Claritin. Now, normally, when she trys to sell me the tympanogram, I tell her to bite me (politely), because it trully is a big ol' scam. Insurance doesn't cover it, so it's a $40 charge, and seriously, if you don't have a bunch of pain in your ear, it's worthless. Kind of like going to the mechanic to get a flat tire fixed and them selling you a radiator fill and flush.

But I bit this time, since I figured the dizziness was from an inner ear infection (even though tympanograms only diagnose middle ear infections. But whatever. As usual, my ears were fine, so of course--sinuses. So of course, I left with about 10 prescriptions for Claritin, nasal spray, promethazone (for nausea) and meclazine (for vertigo).

I've been on the meds for about a week, and no change. The meclazine knocked me on my ass at first, but I'm dealing. And actually it doesn't really even seem to work much. I'm off the promethazone now, since the nausea is much better (guess I'm getting used to the dizziness). But I still get dizzy. Every time I lie down, every time I get up. And, when I'm lying down, every time I change my head position. But not when I'm upright. So clearly there's something going on with my inner ear.

Monday, I see an ENT. Stay tuned.

I'm dizzy

And no, not from lack of posting, smartass.

OK...here's the situation. We went camping at the beach this weekend. I felt great up until Sunday morning, when I got up to pee. The mosquitoes were bad so I bug sprayed up and went back into the tent. After about 5 minutes, I started getting dizzy--I figured it was from the bug spray fumes in the tent. So I got out of the tent and felt better, still a bit nauseous, but better. An hour later I was fine.

A couple of hours later, we were at the beach. I spent about an hour in the water, then came up on the beach, plopped down on the blanket and instantly everything was spinning. It lasted about 30 seconds, but returned as soon as I sat up. But once the spinning stopped, I was fine. Back out into the water. Felt fine again until I lay down, and then wham--instantly dizzy again. After one more episode, I thought I was going to hurl, so we packed everything up and headed home.

So since then, every time I lie down (or lay down...f-you, grammar Nazis, I'll never learn that rule and you can't make me!), I get dizzy. Every time I sit up, I get dizzy. When I'm not doing one of those things, I feel better, but still off. Sort of fuzzy-headed, like I've been taking decongestants. When I'm walking around, I'm a little wobbly.

No drinking involved, no drugs involved (OTC, Rx or illicit).

So what the hell's going on? Brain tumor? Burst aneurysm? My politics finally catching up with me?

Positive dope testing for make shame glorious nation of Kazakhstan

Man, is Borat gonna be pissed.

It was reported today Kazakh cyclist Alexandre Vinokourov tested positive for blood doping following his Tour de France time trial victory Saturday. He's been kicked out of the race, along with his entire Astana team. And this in the shadow of the race leader Michael Rasmussen's missing a bunch of out-of-competition drug tests. Which, had it been know at the start of the Tour, would have resulted in his being banned from the race.

Cycling sucks. I love the sport so much, but the continued doping issues all but render the entire peloton suspicious. It's like being a bodybuilder in the '70s: doping is so widespread that you have to assume everyone is doing it.

I have no idea what it would take for this sport, which has probably always been dirty, to become clean. But right now, I've lost all tolerance of it.

Weirdness in One Act (or Maybe She Should Carry that Bible Between her Knees)

A man dressed for running in shorts and a t-shirt sits in front of a burrito shop at a wrought-iron table. He appears to be waiting for someone. A young couple sit, talking and drinking margaritas at another table, on the other side of the restaurant entrance. A large shabby-looking black woman carrying a bible approaches, enters stage right and approaches the runner:

Bible Toter: Hey baby! How you doin'?
Waiting Runner: OK.
(BT glancing down at WR's legs, which are propped on a chair)
BT: Oooh...them's some nice legs!
WR: Um...thanks.
BT: You shave your legs?
WR: Yeah...for cycling.
(BT still looking at WR's legs)
BT: Ooooh...I like 'em. That your real color?
(WR looks bewildered)
WR: Um...yes?
BT: Buy me some food, baby. (telling, not asking)
WR: I'm getting ready to go run. I don't have my wallet with me.
BT: I think I got knocked up.
(BT pauses, looks around, as if searching)
BT: I can't find the man who knocked me up.
WR: It wasn't me.
BT: Shit...I know it wasn't you, baby.
(BT walks to the next table)
BT: Buy me some food. (telling, not asking)
Young Woman: I don't have any money.
BT: You got a credit card. (telling, not asking)
Young Man: No.
BT: I got knocked up.
YM: Maybe you should read your bible.
BT: Fuck you, motherfucker.
(BT walks off down the street cursing unintelligibly, exits stage left)