Thursday, May 31, 2007

I heart puppies!


Over on my triathlon forum, someone posed the question "what does 'I support the troops' mean"? And it touched off something I've been harboring for a long time. You can't drive anymore without tailgating someone sporting a yellow magnetic ribbon on the back of their car. "I support the troops" is about as empty a sentiment as you can have. You support the troops? Well golly, that's awesome!

Seriously, who *doesn't* support the troops? You may love or hate or not give a fuck about the war, but you'd have a pretty hard time finding someone who doesn't appreciate the job soldiers do. It's like having a bumper sticker saying "I love puppies." Or "breathing". Duh! Everyone does! You don't need to waste your breath telling us something that should be painfully obvious.

Now, if someone wants to float a magnetic ribbon saying "I hate the troops", now there's a position worthy of telling people. I wouldn't agree with you, but damn, a statement like that takes balls. Dare to share an original thought once in a while, and your life will be infinitely more interesting.

It's just common sense, part 2


It's just common sense



Everyone loves boners

Thanks to Rhonda for this. I don't know if these boners are real or not (snopes is mum on boners), but really, I don't even care. If they're fake boners, it's interesting that someone would make the effort to so meticulously photoshop so many great boners into old Batman panels. And if they're real boners, well, I guess the opium was flowing freely when the boners were conceived--there are so many boners(!). But whatever, someone really loves boners.












So I've got that going for me

Last night, Alice, the world's snarkiest copy editor (or a cuddly little ball of hate, depending on who you talk to) said Holly said I was the hippest parent she knows.



(bows deeply)


Monday, May 21, 2007

Exquisitely sufferable

Amy (to Nola): Daddy's sense of humor is completely insufferable.

Jim: Obviously not, since you've been suffering it for 16 years. It's obviously entirely sufferable. Eminently sufferable.

Exquisitely sufferable.

A (to N): See what I mean?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ann Coulter is awesome


First of all, she's as sexy as a $5 whore (WWJD? He probably wouldn't get all tarted up to sell his books, that's for sure..). But really, the woman sure speaks her mind. And I love that, god knows I do. Opinions are sexy, even if you don't agree with them. Even if they're filled with hate, vile and vitriol. And mostly, even if they're not based in fact. But what's really awesome about Ann is her total lack of duplicitousness. As evidence, I present this, the disclaimer from the "forum rules"in her official forum, on her official website:


"All debate must be honest and fair."


If only...


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

When a god-fearing person dies, should we really care?

Jerry Falwell died today, and to mark the occasion of his death internet forums everywhere are probably using it as an opportunity to either mark his life or rue his existence. He's obviously a polarizing figure as he's arguably done plenty of good with his ministry. But on the other hand, he'd come out in favor of segregation and apartheid (which he later apologized for). He blamed the terrorist attacks of 2001 on pagans, gays and abortionists. Currently, he had been a staunch supporter of DOMA. So plenty there for people to either love or hate--not too many fence sitters when it comes to Mr. Falwell.

So now that he's died, some people are talking about what a horrible person he was, and that he won't be missed. And those that revered him are talking about how horrible it is to disrespect him in the time of his death. But is that a good reason not to talk about the issues surrounding him? Just because he's dead, we should observe some indefinable period of reverence?

To me, that doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, it's not like Falwell supporters would suggest that his death is a tragedy. I mean, his Lord has called him home. Isn't that a *good* thing? So why a period of mourning when they should be celebrating his heavenly reward? And if you're not mourning, why do you care if people talk about him?

Shouldn't his death be an opportunity for discussion, to talk about issues he cared about?

4th and long

In an editorial in the Augusta Chronicle over the weekend, the idea of an Iraq pullout was reduced to football analogies:

"Can you imagine a football team's quarterback telling the other team at halftime that he would stop trying to win with 15 minutes left in the game?"

So the Chronicle favors a timeline, as long as it's 60 minutes instead of just 45? I guess I can live with that. They went on to say:

"Making it even sillier, suppose the quarterback did that against his coach's wishes."

Imagine if you had a coach that insisted on handing off to the cheerleaders on every 4th and long. Would you second-guess his judgement? Wouldn't you think your quarterback might want to try throwing to a receiver, just once?

It's not just that the analogies are silly, it's that they're used at all. Sports analogies play to an uninformed populace by reducing a complex situation to something that's easily digestible. They sound good, and they're familiar. So what if they're not accurate? Yee haw! Sports! I can identify!

If the Chronicle wanted to do it right, they could have spoken about how little league games have a mercy rule, or how sometimes coaches just suck, and you need to go a different route. But I guess they don't hate America like I do. Because, ya know, how unAmerican to fire your coach.


Friday, May 11, 2007

Get up. Get on down in a sarcophagus.


At Nola's school this week, they had their year-end art show, and featured were a bunch of sarcophagi (papier mache, I think). There were a few traditional, pharaohsih ones, but others that bore the likenesses of pop-culture figures. One was the Godfather of Soul. It's a shame that the didn't do a better job of crediting the artists. Or any job at crediting the artists--there were no credits at all. I don't even know what grade level produced them. but regardless, this was pretty cool.

I woke up this morning...

...to the sight of squirrels doing it on a tree limb outside my window. That's a good omen, right?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I also didn't study for my final

I dreamed last night that I was doing a nude triathlon, but I was the only naked one.

So, ya know, just like high school.

Avetts do Conan


The Avett Brothers will be on Late Night with Conan O'Brien this Friday night, 12:35am EST on NBC!

Apparently, I'm a strict constructionist

The current gun control laws are unconstitutional. There. I said it. And before Charleton Heston rises up from the grave to slap an “atta boy” on my back, let me explain. Because in a minute, Mr. Heston will no doubt be rolling over in that grave.

Current gun control laws are unconstitutional because they don’t go far enough. To understand this probably radical concept, look at the text of the Second Amendment:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

When the Framers wrote the Bill of Rights, there was no standing army and there was no police. So they wisely included a provision for the people to arm themselves, and by extension to have the right to defend themselves against those that would attack them. And it is this notion that most gun control advocates rail upon: the notion the right to bear arms is antiquated. We, of course have a standing army and police forces in place to protect us. So obviously the Second Amendment is dated. It needs to be amended to take modern life into account. That’s what most gun-control advocates will tell you.

But as anyone who suffered through the governmental failures of hurricane Katrina will tell you, there are times where there is no police protection. At dire times like that, citizens arguably need to be able to defend themselves, their families and their property. So it’s not the right to keep and bear arms that I take issue with.

It’s the “regulated” part. Ask any NRA member what the problem with guns in America is, and after they tell you there are no problems with guns, if you press them, they’ll tell you it’s the criminals with guns that are the problem. They’ll tell you that denying or controlling access to firearms to law-abiding citizens has no affect on criminals’ ability to get guns.

So, that being said, and taking the text of the Second Amendment into account, is the militia well-regulated?

I submit that it’s not. If you go to Wal-Mart or a pawn shop looking for a gun, you run into regulation. There is a mandatory waiting period and a background check to determine if you are eligible to purchase a firearm under federal law. Your criminal history is checked to determine if you’re a felon. If you are, no gun for you. Supposedly (although the system failed in the case of Cho Seung-Hui), if you’ve ever been found mentally ill by a court, you are excluded.

Sounds like pretty good regulation, until you consider the back channels. Georgia state law only requires the above-mentioned background checks if you buy from a licensed dealer. But if you go to a gun show, pick up the Augusta Chronicle classifieds, or cruise the internet, you can buy whatever you want without a background check. So I’ll ask you, if you have a felony conviction on your record and you need a gun for nefarious purposes, are you going to be able to get a gun? Boy howdy you sure are!

But does that make any sense? Why should it be so easy for anyone to go through back channels to get a gun, when we have pretty strict laws in place for background checks in “mainstream” sales? Why don’t laws exist to make it much more difficult for criminals to obtain guns?

So, is the militia well-regulated? Very obviously, it’s not. Therefore, the current gun laws, or more precisely the lack of adequate gun control laws are unconstitutional.

But what do you do? How do you lock down the back-channel purchases of firearms? I have a couple of suggestions:

1. Make it illegal for private citizens to sell guns to private citizens. But shouldn’t I have the right to sell my gun if I want to? Sure, but put a system in place where all private gun sales have to go through a licensed broker, where upon the federal background check can take place. Want to pass a gun down to your son? Sure, but register it with him first (and ensure that he passes the background check).

2. Make it a felony if a firearm registered to you is used in the commission of a crime. This gives the above law some teeth by putting a pretty big incentive in place not to subvert the system. Very few people, I’d imagine, would hand their gun over to someone if they stood a chance of going to jail. But what if my gun is stolen? Report it! And if you don’t, suffer the consequences.

3. Cut out the gun show loophole. It’s just silly to have a system of background checks in place, but to not use it in this particular circumstance.
The above suggestions sound pretty radical, but maybe not so much when you consider what we do everyday with the purchase of automobiles. If you buy a car through a private seller, you have to register it in order to operate it. Why shouldn’t you have to do the same with guns? All I’m suggesting is that, in the case of guns, you go through the registration process before ownership is transferred.

There is a problem with this proposal, however. Gun registration is tracked through serial numbers engraved on guns, and these are usually obliterated by criminals to destroy traceability. But guns could be engineered with indelible serial numbers, maybe in the form of microchips embedded in them in such away that removing them renders the gun inoperable. It’s a problem, but one that we’re smart enough to fix.The Framers were very specific when writing the second; in no other amendment is the term “regulated” used. They saw gun ownership as a necessary right, but also very wisely realized that it should be, to use their language, well regulated. This makes it a very special right, one that comes with special responsibilities. To only have flimsy, easily-subverted regulations in place is not what the Framers had in mind when they thoughtfully crafted the Second. So it’s time we did them their justice and put real gun-control laws in place.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

TGI McScratchy's Goodtime Fooddrinkery


Allegedly, there's a new bar going in downtown, directly across from the Metro Spirit office. That's no surprise, as it was bound to happen sooner or later. The Augusta Chronicle is right next door, so some bright entrepreneur finally put two and two together. You don't think the news machine runs on J-school ethics alone, do you? No, what's interesting about this is what they're (again, allegedly) planning on calling it: Tipsy McStumbles. Seriously. It's supposed to be an Irish pub, but I swear it sounds like it should be a Simpsons theme bar. I wonder if Moe Szyslak will be mixing Flaming Homers...


Bigfoot does laundry

Email conversation between Amy and I:

Jim:
When is Alice’s party?

Amy:
This Saturday, 5-ish.

J:
Sweet! Babysitter? I could even afford it…

A:
Cool. You may have to loan me some money until I get paid!

J:
How does five dollars sound?

A:
Fan-freakin’-tastic.

J:
Excellent…if you want more, you can work for it…

A:
So what are you thinking, more laundry?

J:
Yes…cause you know the only thing on my mind is laundry. Speaking of which, one night when I couldn’t sleep I turned on HBO and there was an episode of “Real Laundy” on, and one of the vignettes was about fetish laundry videos, and there was this one video where this chick does laundry with a sasquatch. It was pretty awesome.